Friday, 21 June 2013

over thinkers anonymous

Addiction is a strange thing. It affects some people and not others, it is brought on by some things and not others. If 'My Strange Addiction' is to be believed you can be addicted to literally anything. Having sex with blow up beach animals, eating cotton wool, drinking blood and (my favourite) licking the fur off a cat. So I don't find it too surprising that I am addicted to over-thinking every single decision I make. It probably stems from my theory that if you think something is going to happen then it definitely will not happen. If I think that the worst case scenario and then everything leading up to that is definitely going to happen, if I think about every detail and every possibility - it won't happen. This also works in reverse, that if I think something really good is going to happen if I plan what I will do because of how brilliant this thing that takes place will be - it won't happen.

You should know that I know exactly how mental I am.

Times in my life where this theory has come into fruition are plenty, I wouldn't have admitted this to all tens of you if I didn't have evidence. For example when I wrote the piece about Taylor Swift being the best role model young girls have I didn't think I would be arguing with a girl on Tumblr about whether I was racist or not when I compared Taylor Swift to Rihanna. I was arguing that I wasn't racist, should I make that clear? But I also didn't think that I would be getting a new brilliant job when I found myself unemployed 4 weeks ago but I do. My point is that life is a fucking bitch and is trying to trip you up everywhere you go. Which causes me, to be pretty shitting neurotic.

When I text you, I have though about what sounds appropriate? Should I be hilarious? Or silly? Or concerned? Or caring? Should I start with 'Hi' or just go right into it? Which words sound good? Do I sound irritated or sarcastic? Should I sound irritated or sarcastic? What if they think I'm being a bitch? What if they hate me? What if they secretly hate me and are only texting me to keep me sweet? What if I wasn't meant to text them back? What if they are only tolerating me and only texting me to humour me because I text them first and the subtext of this text is leave me the hell alone?

Or and don't get me started if I'm texting someone I 'like'.

Do they think I'm attractive? Do they think I'm sexy? Do they think I'm cute? How do I put across in one text message that I am attractive, sexy and cute but also that I'm intelligent and brilliant and that they are a fool for not making a move? Should I ask a question so t he to text me back? Or should I make a statement that means I know what I want, I know what I think and this is it, deal with it? Am I coming on too strong? Should I care that I might be coming on too strong? What if this text is so outlandishly repulsive that all my chances with them are dashed?

You're getting my drift, aren't you?

Its not just with texting but as you can see if I can think that many things about something that small, when I should or shouldn't leave to be on time for a train or a bus takes up a lot of brain power, so does ignoring a charity collector or replying to emails. Its all a big thinking mess.

I do absolutely love it though. I seem more intelligent because of the amount I think, I think so much about what my opinion is and what I actually think that I am very sure on what those things are. It makes me better at writing. I think about every word, every comma and every paragraph to what I think is funny and brilliant and smart. I think constantly about what I would want to read, what I would want someone to say to me. When I read other people's work, especially in snippets or sparkling fantastic exceptional prose that someone has put on Reddit or Tumblr I feel this buzz, it makes me want to make other people feel like that.

To be honest, thats all Tumblr, Twitter or Reddit is. Its Over-Thinkers Anonymous, we all think and post and think and post and think and reblog and think and think and think. We all turn up, every day to see what the other person has thought, to find out the opinion of people we don't know and to think about it more and more. We both cure and feed each other.

Hi, my name is Katherine and I'm an over-thinker.

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