Things I have learnt to love about me. (Originally published June 8th 2012)

I am an …acquired taste. I am often described as ‘quirky’ by the friends of my Mum which makes me want to be physically ill. DO NOT CALL ME QUIRKY. Fuck, you might as well say ‘you are overtly strange in a way that doesn’t offend me, yet’. I used to enjoy confusing and angering bullies with my behaviour but I’ve been me for quite a while now so can’t we just get on with it? To help you with your tolerance of me I have listed some things that you may not know I am aware of but I am, I completely am.

1. I talk a lot. This is probably the most commonly brought up one. I know I talk a lot, it makes me good at my job and it means I get bored less easily. I have talked a lot since before I could grasp language (my mother has film of me on a toy phone talking in nonsense for half an hour and then shouting BYE down the phone when my imaginary correspondence had finished). If I had found a way to stop it by now I probably would deploy every so often because it does get in my way and if I can’t get myself to stop what on earth makes you think I can’t?

2. I have little to no tolerance for people with low self esteem. Ladies, I’m afraid this one is aimed at you. I have high self esteem, I have enforced it upon myself because I’m going to be me for the foreseeable future and I should probably get used to it. And I know it’s not your fault, that our culture has fucked you royally and that these days if you want to aspire to be like a famous person you are given an array of very similar looking anorexic collagen transporters. I know this and yet the minute one of my fellow sisters says they have ‘man shoulders’ have a ‘fat belly’ or the weirdest one ‘demon like irises’ (all genuine) I jump to ‘shut up you’re beautiful what the hell are you talking about’.

3. I am pedantically fair. I will avoid being judgemental to the point of self harm. I couldn’t give a shit who you are or where you’re from I will be nice to you until you give me reason not to. Which people do, all the time.

4. I am right about everything. Until you tell me what an idiot I am being and then hitch my wagon to new facts and then they are right. Until you tell me what an idiot I am …you see where I am going.

So there you go a few things that are part of my fanatically obscure bouquet.

These are reasons a lot of people don’t like me or find me irritating and I completely understand that. I’ve said before that if I wasn’t me, I’d avoid me.

K