Drop Dead Gorgeous.

I am sat at my desk in a shirt and skirt, with my skirt and control body hitched up around my waist because I am glamourous.

I have no idea quite how I'm going to say this but I feel I need to. I think that people think that I am completely secure. They don't want to say things about wanting to lose weight or being unhappy with some aspect of their appearance in fear I will tell them off. I need it to be clear, that I have no opinion about the way anyone looks, or the way that they want to look. Most of the time I may think you look fine, fantastic even but if you're not comfortable then thats what matters, not whatever shit I may come up with.

I am not secure. There are parts of the way I look that irritate me sometimes, there are many many parts of my personality that I actively hate and I expect that lots of you whether you know me or not will have an opinion on my looks and personality. I understand if you want to lose weight, because this time last year I was kind of trying to do the same. It was mostly that I was fighting a battle against the skin beneath my chin but I was essentially trying to lose weight. The worst part of all of it was being encouraged. I still find it hard not to feel slightly offended when people say I look like I've lot weight and I don't even know why. I felt sick and like I wanted to scream when people said 'good for you' or worse 'you look like you've lost a bit of weight'. I found and find it difficult to take the kind of compliment that is about my weight. Which is why when people tell me they want to lose weight, I at the very least make it very clear how they look lovely as they are. I know a lot of beautiful people, gorgeous the lot of them and when they tell me they want to lose weight I feel that sick screaming feeling all over again.

There again portraying or t least pretending an air of contentment with your body does seem like you don't have to talk about it that much. If I tell people the things I like about my body (eyes, boobs, waist) or even pay myself the smallest compliment, people get awkward like I've told them I've hit a baby. Yet I'm sure if I spoke to someone about the things I don't like (chin, ankles, weird two sets of hips) people are far more equipped to talk about that. I think its sad that its the case but it is what it is.

I don't like low self esteem, it is something that really and truly angers me but I also don't like girls who are crazy over nothing but I am both of those things. I've always thought that because all of the best friends are boys I've been more aware of what I call 'womb crazy' but I'll be damned if I can in anyway stop it. I am currently throwing all the mental I have at someone who is neither openly interested or hanging around but I can't stop myself. I say things that make me seem like an idiot and laugh at everything he says. He has given me the most polite brush off anyone has ever been given and yet I still throw all the crazy I can find.

So basically, all of my friends male and female, please don't feel you have to hold back on your insecurities. I have them too, I just find pretending a very effective way of coping.

K