Sunday, 31 March 2013

I haven't had sex in a year.

And saying that on the internet is going to help. Confessing non voluntary celibacy to the world is exactly what guys look for in a girl.

But I had a conversation with an old friend tonight, while eating all the food we could find, we pulled apart our lives. We are judgement free human beings, we can eat all the carbs in the restaurant and telling each other that is perfectly fine to do inappropriate things. Tonight's discussion surrounded drama. Specifically teenage drama. I had seen some ridiculous drama on my Facebook wall and the spectacularly weird concept of a relationship when you are in your early teens came up. Now I was in a relationship for 3 years when I was a teenager, but there were points in those three years where we had big blow out arguments about nothing much at all and 'broke up'. Now in those times, twice and never for more than 2 weeks, we somehow both managed to get into other relationships. I was with one boy for 4 days. 4 days and I was as broken at the end of that as I was at the eventual end of the three year relationship. When you are a teenage there is nothing more harrowing or extreme as heartbreak. How you and others around you express your tension when it comes to social interaction is the biggest load of over dramatic bullshit anyone has ever unleashed on any one human being.

What this does to your self esteem, especially a young woman's, can be life changing. I had one experience when I was 14 that basically turned me into me. When I chose to knee him in the balls when he forcibly pushed his hands down my pants, I chose to become precocious, over confident, loud me. At the same time a few years later when another boy told me that someone 'not as beautiful' as the girls he usually goes out with would be 'more loyal' when I broke up with him I decided to not give any sort of shit about what boys thought about the way I look. That someone's opinion of the way you look is very rarely an accurate representation of you and that if they choose to judge you solely on that then they can go fuck themselves. On the non 'adversity made me stronger' side of this coin, when I was with one boy for my entire teen years and then had a messy heart breaking split, it turned out that I had no clue how to talk to boys. That I hadn't learnt how to flirt because I hadn't needed to. I hadn't learnt how to deal properly with a break up or how others with react to that break up so when I was 18 and had to make all new friends, he and I had fucked my emotional development up royally.

Because of the romantic experience I had as a teenager I am unable to have one night stands, or pretty much have sex outside of a relationship at all. I have to be monogamous, I have to be in love otherwise I just can't deal with the emotional response post-encounter. Which is why I haven't had sex in a year. Why I've turned down 3 boys in the last 6 months because apparently my romantic past and I have locked me in what is essentially a romance prison.

So when girls that I have known since they were born are persecuted by people who are meant to be their friends for daring to have two relationships with the space of a year, I get a little pissed. There are teenagers who read this, I know there are and I'm asking you to think beyond. I know it feels that the minute you turn 20 you might swell die but the judgements you make upon others now are going to affect them later. That the decision you make now are going to affect you later on. Have confidence that when you make the wrong decision, which you will, that it will get better and you will learn a lesson. Whether you choose to act on that decision is up to you but the fuck ups you make now and how you treat others who have fucked up to are going to shape the way you act and treat others later on. If you carry on being negative towards each other and carrying on as if it's fine, it becomes fine and thats fucked up.

Support each other, give other's the benefit of the doubt and respect one and other's decisions because in reality you're not special and in your own way you're all going to make the same mistakes.

Also, while I have you could you show me how to code my tumblr? Thanks.



  1. Wow, I can relate to this quite a lot right now! Really interesting post :) x

    1. Properly, 100%, totally brilliant that you relate to it. The worst thing is when we're all thinking the same thing but think we're crazy.