So I like to forcibly embarrass myself in front of the opposite sex. I promised myself that I would post pictures of things from the ASOS sale today, that I would pass judgement on clothes and the gaps between models' thighs and everyone would tell me I'm funny and not that I'm angry. But now I'm neither, I am deeply, deeply embarrassed.
I am not good at talking to men. I'm really good at talking, properly 100% brilliant but if you put me in front of a handsome man I am an idiot. I can't get myself past small talk or smiling like a child who doesn't know any better. Mainly because I DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER. I can't flirt, I can't talk and I can't be funny. A man approached me with simply the most beautiful face I have ever seen and I physically had to turn around because I couldn't handle the plummet my IQ was taking. To give you an idea of how brilliant this man's face was, my straight friend came back after talking to him and said 'what a dish'. You know you're handsome when straight men, who only notice really when your boobs are more visible, see the glory of another man's face.
So I bring you to this week, when its a my lonely-versary, when I come onto not one but THREE gentlemen I know over Facebook chat. Some of you have already put your head on your hands and I beg of you, look up, it gets worse. One of them is a boy I had a weird sexual tension with when I was 17, and lets face it at that age there is no other kind of tension. He is lovely and I count him as a close personal friend but now I'm very VERY sure he'd like to leave me the hell alone to all of my crazy. I thought that because he vaguely showed some interest in me 5 years ago, when I was both thinner (genuinely, not more aesthetically pleasing, just thinner) and smarter, he would be interested in the dumber me with jelly then he could possibly handle. Next I decide that trying to friend someone who already has a girlfriend into being attracted to me. This means that instead of being witty and charming and brilliant and sexy I was instead, loyal and plutonic. Guess what ladies, guys don't want plutonic.
The worst was last night, when I chose 'a person who was online', a guy who is lovely and I've known for a long time but also haven't spoken to in a long time. So naturally he thought it was weird when I immediately started cyber flirting. I complimented that boy like his and my life depended on it. I could die from shame.
I deserve to die alone.
I've basically been auditioning men, without their knowledge, who if they had knowledge would be unwilling. I've seen other people do worse, I've seen other men and women do this in person or in person and drunk. This doesn't make me sad. THIS DOESN'T MAKE ME SAD. I'm not even interested in having a relationship, I'm pretty sure I'm just an attention whore who has been left on her own too long.
I'm not sure how future me will feel about telling you all of this. She probably hates me, the decisions I am currently making directly affect her life and I'm very very definitely ruining everything for her. So as an apology to future me, look how nice your hair looked today.