Thursday, 6 June 2013

how to trick yourself into having high self esteem

People seem to be under the misconception that I am confident. It might be something to do with me telling people I am.

Its like in films and books that don't have well-developed characters in them when you are told over and over again that is character is 'this' or that character is 'that'. The easiest example of this is the Ricky Gervais horror show that is Derek, all the way through this program we are told, as someone trying to look past the fact we're watching a show where a man pretends to be mentally disabled, that Derek has a 'heart of gold' that 'he wouldn't hurt a fly' but we never actually see proof of him being this brilliantly lovely human being. All I see is a man who used to be talented make money by making fun of disabled people. This is the same in life, if you tell people things enough or repeat your values to someone they just become a part of you without anyone actually having to see the proof.

For example, I refer to myself as a feminist and a writer A LOT. Too much really, no one introduces themselves as a 'data analyst' when they meet people but for some reason I see the need to push my intellectualism on other people. This is another issue for another day, or not; because I have found over many many years of pretending to be more intelligent than I am that people just think I'm intelligent now. When I was 14 I was put in the top maths set, I have a feeling this was a mistake or some sort of experiment gone wrong - maybe my teacher lost a bet - either way, I wasn't meant to be there. The other people in this class were light years ahead of me so instead of owning up, asking to be put in a class where I'd be amongst the smarter kids I was stubborn. I am decided to stay and I decided to be the smartest fake smart person there ever was. There were a maximum of 9 people who actually liked me in my year group so becoming 'the smart girl' was preferable to stay 'the annoying girl'. This is when I learnt that I could change what I think about myself just as easily as everyone around me.

I thought was intelligent because I had fooled everyone else into thinking so too.


Over the last 9 years since then I have come to realise that I have now managed to fool everyone else into only seeing the good bits about how I look and have therefore also fooled myself. I started with my waist. When I was 17 I decided having the smallest waist every was going to make me look thin and it does. Focusing your waist in an outfit is a quick cheat to a flattering figure but I went over board. I wore crippling belts from hard leather that made me look like a chubby girl trying to look like Dita Von Teese. Mainly because thats exactly what I was. But I told people every chance I could that I have a really small waist. I'd say things like 'My bust and hips are a size 14 but my waist is a size 8.' I never knew this for sure but the more I told people this the more they either believed me or didn't have the heart to tell me I was an idiot. So I believed it.

I tell people that I suit my weight and that I love my body the way it is. I've been saying this for a couple of years now and over the last few months it's own domino esteem effect has created my highest ever peek in self esteem. I feel brilliant in my own skin, I have reverse-anorexia. I have convinced myself that I look like a lingerie model and do you know what, that means any of you lot can to. Tell everyone you know about the one bit of your body that you truly love. Mine are my waist, my boobs, my eyes and my hair. Pick one and tell people until you are blue in the face how fucking wonderful this aspect of you makes you look and you will believe it. If some of the girls I know who think they're fat, can think they're fat than you can sure as hell find something to love about all of your brilliant, exceptional and fucking gorgeous bodies.

This doesn't stop here. This process has also made me a writer. A proper one. By telling people that I'm a writer and by writing this blog every chance I can get I have been able to make myself better at writing and make other people think I am good at writing. This week someone who is clearly talented and I've been trying to impress told me I was a great writer. He was enthused and funny and he likes my blog. A person who associates with the male pronoun likes my blog. About Fashion, and Feminism. The funny thing is, he's made me believe it. By faking at being a writer, and telling people I'm a writer and spending over a year and a half pretending to be good at it, I have convinced myself and others that I am one.

People should tell people who think they need University to be good at something that all they actually need to do is tell people they are good at it. It would save the government a shit load of money.




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