Tuesday, 4 June 2013

my exceptionally brief time as the sexiest woman alive.

In the last 2 weeks I have joined and left a dating website. 

I joined in a fit of boredom. With nothing to do and my knowledge of the website being through my friend who joined a while ago. It is without a doubt the most brilliant and ridiculous decision I have made in a long long time. What was I thinking?

I really, really like judging people. 

I am a person who writes an entire blog on why what other people think doesn't matter, why it doesn't and shouldn't concern you when people have an opinion about you. This doesn't mean however that we all just stop having opinions, I certainly don't. I've recently obtained Virgin Media and with that has come the TLC channel. This stands for The Learning Channel and do you know what you'll learn? That there is a man in South Carolina who is in a sexual relationship with 15 different blow up animals, there is a lady in upstate New York who eats cotton wool and that there is a little girl who hollers for dollars. This is truly the age of enlightenment. But this entire channel is just me and my flatmate Ashley laid on the sofas at midnight laughing at people because I never said I wasn't a truly terrible person. 

So I got Plenty of Fish on my phone. Mainly because of the 'Meet Me' feature or 'judging strangers without their knowledge'. So you are given pictures of users who are either in your area or have similar interests to you and you get to say yes, no or maybe to wanting to 'meet' them. I would spend up 15 minutes at a time just going no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no - its like a compulsion. Any girl with low self esteem or body image issues should have access to this facility because you instantly know your self worth. You know what you're too good for, whats too good for you and who is just right. Nobody gets told when you say you don't want to meet them and they get told when you say yes. So you don't know when you're being rejected but get a little message when you're wanted. IT IS THE PERFECT PLAN. 

Within one hour I received 7 messages from men, 5 of which told me how pretty/gorgeous/stunning I was in their first message. Most of the men I spoke to seemed like perfectly lovely human beings, and a lot of them were. I blocked more people than I care to mention for various reasons. When I was becoming too 'block happy' I had to create rules. 

1. If they swear in their first message, they get blocked. 
2. If they ask if you're 'looking for fun' or their profile says they are 'looking for fun', they get blocked. 
3. If all of their pictures are of them and their friends so you don't know who you are speaking to, they get blocked. 

and the obvious but depressing most commonly used…

4. If they offer you sex, they get blocked. 

In the last two weeks I have been offered sex more times than I have in my entire life and I'm telling you now, theres not a drug in the world like it. This is addictive flattery, narcotic niceness. I would immediately block them but I would do it feeling high on my own sexy. Other people being attracted to you, openly and without preamble although slightly creepy is brilliant. 

Aside the judging party game and the unsolicited acts of cyber sex, I met some genuinely lovely people. I met 26, Swindon he likes Doctor Who and Harry Potter and bad telly and we got on quite well. There was 24, Southampton who liked good music and we chatted for a while. There was 27, Fareham who was far too handsome to be on a dating website but was a casual and relentless flirt that in the end was blocked but I enjoyed his company. 

I have rewritten this post 3 times because I was scared of your judgement but then I realised I can be your TLC. I am your rambling, Feminist Honey Boo Boo Child and I am ok with that. 


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