Tonight is the opposite of what it was last year. I am on my own, in my bed, watching Mad Men from the very beginning while the world around me parties. Last year I was drinking progressively neater and neater gin that my brother's girlfriend had gotten me for Christmas. I was surrounded by people and playing a drinking game, I was with people that I am no longer on speaking terms with. I will always be on speaking terms with me, for I am fascinating. This year changed so dramatically quite early in a way that I wasn't ready for, I turned a corner and it hurt and it was horrible and I fucking love it. I have changed while remaining someone I like and I have met some of the best people anyone has ever met. So to maybe stop such an supreme turn around this year I will survey what happened this year and make some definite rules for next year. I'm not make resolutions, I'm making guidelines.
1. Broke up with someone when I didn't want to. I hate that this is the defining moment of this year, but it is. It is inescapable that when I started this year, I was in love and I was happy and nothing but geography and circumstances got in the way of that. Saying this though it left room for me to focus on working and doing this blog in a serious and concentrated manner. I was until about a month ago very keen on just working my socks off but I was pleasantly surprised that a boy can make me crazy. Literally, mental. Whether anything comes of it or not its nice to know that I wasn't as categorically crushed as I thought I was.
2. Stuck with a job I hated. I forced myself to push through the outright sexual harassment I was forced to deal with while working in a job that made me want to die. I have never in my life more wanted to just walk out of a place and shove there sexist, racist vocal and physical groping. I have met the scum of the earth and they think that if you wear Doc Martens that you are a lesbian. But I was lifted by fate to work with some of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. My current day to day is working with humans that treat you like a human and aren't above making cakes and secretly eating cakes while on the clock.
3. Started writing this blog. All this shit, that I write down for you (and for me) was already bouncing around in my head. For ages, years, before I even started the Tumblr site I was raging about weight loss organisations and creaming over nail polish. All I needed was ventilation for these ideas for you lot to start reading it and here we are. Some of you are men in your late 20s, quite a few of you are gay men from my nagging around town and loads of you are beautiful, brilliant, clever and hilarious women that I know and inspire me to write complete nonsense on a daily basis. Writing my crazy down on here for you to say has saved me this year, you brilliant wankers.
1. I will continue to love the job I do, even if that takes it changing. I spent far too much time in a job that made me sick I'm not doing that again.
2. I will fall in love. This was a New Year's Resolution two years ago and 2 weeks later I did in fact meet the person I would do so with. No matter how that ended, it was properly brilliant and I wouldn't change a minute of it for the world.
3. I will go out more. I will drink and laugh and dance and apply mascara. I want to have fun and kiss boys and kiss girls and listen to Abba.
4. I will stop buying loads of clothes that I kind of like and start buying some clothes that I love. This will never happen but I feel like its nice to have unobtainable goals.
I will think of more, I have already thought that I'd quite like to grow incredibly long eye lashes and discover the perfect eyeliner. SEE I CAN'T STOP. I have too many goals, too many tiny goals that mean nothing. I'd like to be the last girl a gay guy sleeps with. I'd like to have a fantastic candle collection. I want to smell nice, constantly. Like all the time, without logical meaning or reason. I will buy proper lingerie, properly brilliant pants.