Saturday, 16 March 2013

This post is extremely sexist.

Dearest Baz, Chris and Alec,

As the only three straight men to have confessed to read this blog (and only one of you had been drinking at the time) I'm giving you the courtesy of warning you that this is one for the girls. Unless any one of you has been hiding any deep seated gender-dismorphia or have been less than forth coming about any 'drag' tendencies, you three lovely boys have no interest in make up. Do you? If you do I apologise whole heartedly about my misunderstanding and please feel free to carry on reading. Similarly if you feel that this is an area of your education you need to fill, go nuts. Its all down there. I just wanted to let you know that this isn't one of those posts where I sneak a naked lady in, literally no nudity in this one.

Lots of love,


Now we've got rid of that lot we can get down to business. I'm not here to show you make up that will make you look like a different person, make you look pretty or make you look slimmer. Kim Kardashian'ss styling team has that down and I would not dream of being anywhere near their territory. I am here to show you how I make me look like the best, most awake and normal version of myself. I can look lovely without make up on, I can be pretty and cute and some what scruffy but I have job which involves talking to members of the public everyday and I'm 100% sure THEY HAVE ABSOLUTE NO INTEREST IN HOW I THINK I LOOK. They would like someone who has made a reasonable amount of effort into her appearance in order to sell them a computer their son-in-law has told them they need. I try desperately to not go over the top with applying make up, this would not be difficult for any normal human being but I have a flare for the theatrical which means I am tempted on a bi-hourly basis to make myself look like Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo (you're going to want to click this). Every single person outside of my bedroom is not interested in my inner drag queen. That is except for my beautiful friend Hannah who I can text with a decision about my eye brows and she will be endlessly interested and that is one of the man reasons I love her.

I have a minimum of 3 tips for make up that will while remaining what you look like will also make you look like you've been caught on your best day. The bad news I have for you is that it actually takes longer to look like you have no make up on than it does to look like Nicki Minaj. Sidenote, if anyone has any tips on how to look like Nicki Minaj there are parts of my brain that would be very interested in seeing how feesable that would be for me.

Beauty Base 0. 

Tip 1. Feeding the Beast.

No matter what type of skin you have or the amount of shit you are planning to put on your face you need to feed your skin with something good for it. You skin will want to suck anything you put on your face so if you put foundation on without moisturiser or a primer you will get that weird speckly or dusty looking face that never looks like a real human face. I have to put what is especially butter on my face as my skin is so dry it cracks in places if left thirsty. The skin on my face hates me as it knows I am a naturally and inherently lazy lady but it reacquires daily cleansing, toning and moisturising to remain normal/still quite dry. My face is a bitch. I spread Boots Derma Care for Very Dry Skin. Its meant to be for all over your body, which is why it is that fucking massive (above) but it is the best thing I have found. Johnson's for Dry Skin Day Cream is also very good but comes in a tiny jar, for pussies. Not literally, I meant for wimpy people due to it's tiny size. That cream is not for vaginas.

Tip 2. Base.

I have permanent blush. I am always embarrassed, or at least I look like I am. The main reason I wear make up, day to day, is the constant red flush to my cheeks and jaw line. This means that I am a person who needs a full coverage but as we've discussed with my porous crackly skin I can't use the majority of them because they are either oil free or powder. The other issue I have is that if I put anything below Revlon on my skin it goes fucking mental. Spots, red everywhere, cracking like nobody's business. As we've said, my face is a bitch. Diva bitch from hell. So I've had to save up for make up for as long as I can remember. I haven't re-purchased a foundation for as long as I can remember due to the looking for the full coverage/light as air combo I need. YSL Le Teint Touche Elcait is the only foundation I have ever repurchased because for now it is doing the job of making my skin look skin colour and not causing a dermatologic tantrum. The tip I have for this is don't 'settle' for a foundation, to the best of you economic ability text as many as you possibly can. Find one that fits your skin type and any demands your face may have. I can only hope for your sake that you don't have a diva, like mine. 

Tip 3. Frames. 

Eyebrows are important. If you had told me that 18 months ago I would have laughed in your face but I'm telling you they're magic. Good, neat eyebrows can make you look prettier, younger, older or sexier as required. They somehow know how you would like to look and when trimmed into place, they find themselves in the perfect most beautiful position. For the reason I have never and will never advise doing this yourself, because as was very very clear when I tried to wax my own bikini line and shape my own eyebrows is that you can only trust those trained. I go to the sorceresses at Clarins with their soft voices and wax that smells of honey. Those who take beauty therapy are ushered in on their first day and told the secret to quick, neat and efficient ways of making any single person look their tip pity top pity bestest. For this reason, I will forever respect them and also let them do whatever the fuck they want to my face. One thing I was once told by one of these very goddesses was Laura in Benefit on Carnaby Street and that is as long as the shape of your brows is as naturally thick as possible it will be flattering. Too thin brows make round faces look rounder and thin faces look sallow. BOOM. KNOWLEDGE BOMB. BOOM.

Other than those three things you can do whatever you like to your face, I couldn't give a shit. Purple eyeshadows and green contour. Whatevs. These are things that will make you look your best no matter what else you do. Have the biggest false lashes anyone has ever had, wear black blush. If you think it's pretty, do it. 


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